Friday, June 22, 2012

LIVING THROUGH THE HEALING PROCESS AND GETTING READY TO MOVE ON.

“There are no classes in life for beginners; right away you are always asked to deal with what is most difficult” Rainer Rilke
The healing process is like anything else - harder the first time around.

You will always hope that this will be the only time you will go through this experience, unfortunately it happens more often than you would like. But who know it might the last time for you.

The end of a serious relationship as we spoke before is emotionally challenging and draining. Can drive you to do things that are damaging to yourself and others.

There will be days that you just want to be forgotten. That you just want to pity yourself. This behavior is normal, expected and ok sometimes, however remember the ones you love and love you back. It is important to talk to your friends and family about it. Talking about is not just an exorcism, but a healthy escape valve as well, it will mend your heart quicker because you are letting thoughts and facts that are hurting you to get out.

It is ok to let your friends and family know that you don't need to be fixed or need their opinion on the matter. That all you need and are looking for is to talk and to be reminded that there are people who loves you even in your darkest hours.

Accepting the fact that you and your ex are no longer together is a necessity if you are serious about healing your broken heart.

There are very high possibilities that you will sometimes catch yourself unable to function thinking constantly about your ex or repeatedly calling or visiting him or her for another chance. If this is your case then you should really seek counseling.

Ask yourself "Do I really want that relationship back? Do I believe if I bring my broken heart to you - he or she, who broke it in the first place - will make it whole again or will feel guilty and sorry for me and will come back? Do I really believe that this time all will be fine because my love is enough to mend everything and you will not hurt me again because you now know hurt I am? Or do I believe that all the time invested in the relationship justify any sacrifice including my self-respect and self-esteem?"

Sometimes talking to a professional is the best solution since they are emotionally detached from the issue and have a clearer perception of what has happened and will be there to keep you in check with the reality of the facts instead letting you fly away on the conjectures and fantastic and elaborate excuses you may create to ease the pain. There are also support groups which are offered in many towns and work as well as therapy.

For me personally there are few ways I use to avoid these dangerous areas is: Keep yourself occupied (Mind and body); Go out with friends and family to help get your mind off the break up; Spend the least amount of time by yourself as possible (even though you feel like it) specially in the first few weeks of the break up to allow your emotions to slowly and patiently fall back into their normal pattern.

Whatever way you choose to deal with the issue, the point is to see what has occurred with a new outlook and understand what has happened. Opening your mind and becoming able to digest the pain will allow you to gather strength, to hold yourself up again. It will guide you to find that fulfilling relationship you deserve to have. And most importantly will allow your self-growth and improvement.

Another important step it to forgive yourself. Fight with all your strength the thoughts that comes telling you that you are a failure and are the one to blame for the end of your relationship. That is one of the reasons why it's important to be away from you ex as well. They might be on the same situation and want to blame you and you alone for what has happened.

When a relationship ends it means that the two of you were no longer compatible and that always takes two, not just you or your partner alone to make or break a relationship.

Exercise reviewing the relationship under different lenses. Remember the things you enjoyed before and during the relationship. Make a list if necessary. Then make another list of the things you did not like or disappointed you, or the things you have notice changing over time, or the ones that you were not looking and they changed anyway - even the little ones you disregard - Add to that list the things you stopped doing for the benefit of your relationship.

Now look at those lists and see if you can find in which point things started going wrong. Usually starts where laughter and enjoyment stopped. Where things turned into an auto pilot situation. When the motions kept you or your partner moving instead of either one of you making an effort to create situations to enjoy and spend time with each other. If you really pay attention to it you will see when 'the road' became 'two different roads'. You might tend to blame on someone else but the reality is that it happened right in front of you while you were not paying attention or just took all for granted and got too comfortable.

It is not an easy exercise but looking at the experience as a whole instead of parts will start to heal and will offer you an opportunity to learn and improve your relationships skills. It helps you to grow and understand yourself and truly figure what you need and want from a romantic relationship.
We all make mistakes and sometimes we keep making the same mistakes over and over again expecting different results every time. Obviously that will not happen. Learning to face our problems will help us to avoid those mistakes on the next relationship.

It is part of our human nature to blame others for our mistakes therefore it comes with no surprise when a relationship ends the need you have to blame your ex-lover, anyone and everyone else one else that is involved or not at involved in the situation, to be honest just to be alive and breathing justify the fact that we will blame them for the demise of your relationship, there is no need to be coherence , it is such an easy and natural road to take.

That might get you through for a while but in the long run you will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes with someone else. Some of the reasons your last relationship did not work lies within yourself hiding or ignoring them will not make them disappear, you will find yourself on the same situation over and over again until the pattern is changed and the only person who can stop this recurring blueprint is you.

Hating your ex will only cause you to attract the same type of energy around yourself. Hate only causes tension and stress in your own life (keep in mind that will not affect your ex). If he or she acts like you chances are they will be busy having the same feelings towards you. Hate causes your emotions to slow down from getting back in order.

At this stage you need positive energy and positive people around you. Find ways to release this negative energy somewhere else. (Just an idea - for me kickboxing, walking, writing and meditating have always been a great way to release all that negative energy.)

Why not look at the break up on a different light instead being bitter against you ex-partner?  Appreciate their honesty or your own honesty of no longer wanting to pursue the relationship, instead giving you high hopes that all is perfect and colorful.

Yeah, we all know it is 'easier said than done' and your natural instinct will want to attack in order to defend yourself. But the matter of the fact is that will not do any good to anyone involved, specially you.

Never underestimate the power we have to transform loss into gain and make a heartbreak into something positive.

Here I will add a personal experience. This book has been on my mind for a long while and the idea that I was not disciplined; that I had nothing to say or share about experiencing a true and fulfilling relationship, when I myself am a single person on my 50's , for too long pushed this project to the side. In 2009 my heart was broken into a thousands of pieces by someone I have loved and trusted dearly for a number of years. To find out that even with so much 'I thought I knew about life' this man was able to con 2 women on believing that he was 'the one' and that we were the 'only one for him'. Ironically he was 'the one' who reminded me of how much I enjoyed writing and then everything else is history.

The pain was so deep, that in order to respect myself and the consequences of his choices, I finally decided to sit down and work on this project. In the meantime, amazingly enough, while writing this book it has helped me not just to re-discover myself but to see many signs I have refused to see and deal with because my heart was so madly in love with this person.

Is a relationship based on pity, sorry, obligation, guilty? Is it based on a promise done many years ago when you were not even aware of the person you were going to become? Pretending to be the same person you were years ago when you have become someone else, refusing to life your dream because too much is invested?? If this is what you are looking for? If so have a ball go ahead, we will meet again soon, yes we will!!

How long do you really think a relationship based on those feelings can resist? How low is your self-esteem to believe that this is what you deserve?

Oh! There is one thing you should know now, the next time, when things falls apart again, the wounds will be much deeper and it will take even longer to heal since you will have not just to get over your ex but to recover your self-respect and self-esteem.

Remember that your ex-partner has also invested a lot into this relationship so breaking up might be hard for them as well. It is always better to leave a relationship that had no chances to survive than to be betrayed and misled to remain on it for a longer time.

Forgiving yourself and your ex-lover will speed up the healing process. Allowing forgiveness will make you feel more peaceful and calm about it. Always remember that it does take two to make or break a relationship.

Excluding the obvious cons and misleading people man and women out there that spend their time making believe histories and lives to fool others, the fact is, if you are in a real relationship with someone, as hard as this might be to be accepted. somehow throughout that period you have on one way or another contributed to the distance that lead you to the break-up. Sometimes for something you did or, in the majority of the times, for something you didn't do, or didn't think it was important at the time, that there was time, that all would go back to 'normal'. It doesn't mean that you were the only one responsible for the relationship to end, but there are always two sides of the same history, and in the end, each part plays an important part to build or let a relationship die. Take responsibility for your part on it and work with it to move forward.

Embrace this opportunity that is being given to you to learn from your mistakes, to become a better you.
"An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we are comfortable with who we are can we truly function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: it takes two holes." Patricia Fry