"...Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer' R. Rilke - 1903
Are you wondering how long it will be before you can get through your daily routine without feeling the
pain sweep you over, without the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach, without dwelling on what went wrong?
These are some of the questions you'll ask yourself after a break up.
It is always important to keep in mind, that even though you believe no one else in the world has ever or will ever suffer like you do, at this moment, you are not alone and time and patience are your best friends.
Just remember: granted you need time to heal, however life and time will not stop because you are hurting. So take your time but don't waste it.
The pain of being brokenhearted is like the feeling of love — it is a feeling that no one can understand until they have experienced it for themselves. If you have lived that
experience than you are aware of how delicate your heart become.
Healing a broken heart will take time and it will be painful but it is NOT impossible. Though it does feel that way sometimes. The
healing process is never an easy one, but it is a necessary one.
I like to compare the whole healing process to a wounded dog who sits in a corner begging to be left alone and undisturbed so it can tender, lick and care for its own
wounds until they are
healed. If you observe you will see that once in a while it does look at the wound before tendering for it a little more, and one day after another the wound will get better and better until all it is fine and the dog is ready for another adventure. If we care enough to take a close look we will confirm that the scars are still there and that, in the beginning the dog will be careful with that part of its body for a while longer but it can move normally again, after a while will be like it never happened and it will play and enjoy itself like before. So will you after the initial devastation. Believe you me, all will be fine.
Just breathe, think of your own self, move forward, one tiny little step at a time is okay. It's okay to mourn for a lost relationship, people sometimes react negatively to the
mourning process but it is an important and well worth one.
To retrieve and work on your broken heart will require strength and self-knowledge rather than weakness. It takes courage to face yourself in the mirror and recognize that yes it does hurt and to say to others
'Please leave me alone, it hurts, and I need time.'
Doesn't mean you are pathetic for doing so. It means that you had real feelings and those feelings were broken, and now they need to be repaired, it means that you are mature, confident and strong enough to recognize that and work on it.
It's perfectly normal to feel sad, cry and even ask for help after a break up. Trying to ignore, to push all under the rug and not think about the situation, to start a new life as a way to avoid dealing with the issues will not make them disappear, it will just enhance the probabilities of them repeating themselves again and again. Jumping into new relationships without taking a good look on the errors, mistakes,
learning the lessons and most importantly healing your heart will only lead to a long and painful road of denial, road that — as a free person you are — you do have the right to choose as well. If that is your choice you might want to stop reading this blog right about now.
The process is very similar of a mourning person. It is not an easy process and is not learned and done in a couple of days, it takes time, courage and discipline. There will be steps on the process that you might not like and might make you uncomfortable with the fact that you must confront your own fears, undoing mistakes and working mostly in your own reaction to what has happened. However these steps are important to cure the injury and bring you back to life and then to get you ready and better to search again and find the happy relationship you deserve.
Take a deep breath and move ahead one step at a time.
Anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one and who has dealt with the pain of that experience by seeing a counselor or working through self-help workbooks will tell you that there are five stages of grief that you go through as you deal with this
loss. What you may not know is that we go through some version of these five stages of grief every single time that we feel a loss even if there isn’t a death involved. One type of loss that all of us eventually experience is the loss of a
romantic relationship that was very important to us. When we go through that experience, we go through those same stages of grief that we would go through if someone close to us had
died.
The
Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as
The Five Stages of Grief, is a theory first introduced by
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross[1] in her book On Death and Dying, which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients, but it can be accommodated to any type of dramatic loss.
It is important to expect individual variation. Don't expect a clean progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, or stages can hit at the same time, or occur in a different order. So why do we bother with stage models at all? Because they are a good
'general guide' of what to expect.
Long period of "depression" (not
clinical depression), isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy strikes. 'Outsiders' do not understand this whole process and feel that it should be time already for you to 'get over it' and rejoin the rest of the world.
Knowing that what you are feeling is normal, wanting to be alone with your reflections at this time it is 'normal' , it will help you to deal with outside pressure. Take your sweet time and heal, learn from your mistakes and misfortunes, that's usually where the most worthwhile lessons will be found, don't waste the opportunity. If you are already here and have to go through, make the most you can, take all the advantage you possibly can from the situation.
First Step: Shock and Denial
This is the most common reaction and one of the most difficult steps on the healing process. Usually involves your unwillingness to see what is clear and right in front of you.
You will probably react to learning of the loss with a numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for a few weeks.
People sometimes get stuck in this process because they refuse to see what someone who is/was important to them have done. Sometimes because involves accepting that you have closed your eyes to the truth and your refusal to acknowledge the 'death' of that relationship with a significant other makes this process longer than it needs to be.
As humans we are often afraid of the unknown, of changes or surprises that might come with it. You might get entangled trying to find excuses to yourself and others, to justify logically what has happened, to believe that you can make all go back to 'normal', that there is nothing wrong, that you might have caused the 'wreck' yourself and the other part was just an innocent bystander. Maybe all was caused by an exterior force, by others unwillingness to cooperate, that the whole situation was a fate of the destiny beyond anybody's control. To move on pretending that all is fine and dandy with the relationship between you and the other person, that all will be fine if you just stand still, stop breathing and wait — you may deny the fact that some very basic things have changed or are impacting the course of your life. It is an efficient way to defend yourself against your fears — at least for a while.
There will be times when you will try to:
- Bury your head on the sand and blame everybody else under the sun;
- Refuse to see things as they are, no matter how many times and how many different ways they are presented to you;
- Refuse to accept your share of responsibility for the problems and keep blaming everybody else for your own part of the mistakes made;
Different people react to the denial phase in different ways. Some will accept the reality, stick up to the fact that they are responsible for some of the happenings and learn from it knowing that it's time to move on, then they will take their heads off the hole on the sand, making sure they are ready for the next step and moving courageously towards it.
For others, however, they remain stuck in their refusal to see what's happening and are unable to move beyond it. They just go on in and out of relationships making the same mistakes over and over until at one point, hopefully they can't handle it anymore and snap.
Yet for some others they will just pretend it never happened and that you will never talk about it, or that you were not that much into your ex anyway - you might be able to fool yourself for a while - however not dealing with the issue will not make it disappear, will just make it bigger as a snow ball down the mountain, getting bigger and bigger, creating that cold feeling on the top of your stomach every time an eye to eye conversation is necessary or a new relationship comes along.
Second Step: Anger
Anger is a human feeling and it is okay to feel it for the right reasons. Anger towards your partner, anger towards yourself for not seeing it coming or even anger towards everybody else who are breathing and living while you are in pain. How dare them?
It is normal to feel anger for the ways each party has contributed to the demise of the relationship. Enraged that your status in life is changing - emotionally, financially, socially and psychologically.
It is very important to realize that anger is a normal and necessary part of the grieving process. It will lead, in time, to the path of acceptance which is, presumably, everyone's ultimate goal. Additionally, anger may be a great energizer — because of this anger you are motivated to
'show them' what you can do. The energy associated with anger may often help you to move into the right direction and to make the necessary changes.
Avoiding this, not so glamorous period, may cause you to bury the feelings inside until they will either implode (expressing themselves as depression — which is "anger turned inwards") or explode by losing control and hurting yourself or someone else.
Take control of your anger and your life. Anger does not force you to punch a hole in the wall — you choose to do that as a reaction to your angry feeling. Keep in mind that you have an option to respond instead to react to the circumstances.
As long as you are in control, your anger will be only temporary and not overwhelming (even though many times sleepless nights and weight lost might make you think that this feeling will never leave), but believe YOU in time you will feel much better and will be free again!
Third Step: Bargaining
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay this loss.
Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand this is ending, but if I could just do something to buy more time...", or "Can we still be friends?..". Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution.
As tough this is typically considered to be the third stage of grief it may come before the anger for a lot of people as they try to move out of their denial and to work things out with their partner.
Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner,
“if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end. It’s when you say to your Higher Power that you’ll meditate more often if only you’ll experience enough peace to get through the tough times together.
Sometimes bargaining actually works. Sometimes you can actually find constructive ways to reach an agreement with yourself, your partner and / or your god to change the situation so that you can still be in a relationship. But most times it is just part of the process that we go through as we learn to deal with the fact that our relationship with someone is coming to an end. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
Fourth step: Sadness and Depression
This stage might take the greatest emotional toll. However you have passed Denial and Anger and should be proud of yourself, now Sadness comes to take every little moment of peace that you will manage to have, to be a constant reminder of what you have lost. It is somehow a type of death, death of your dreams, expectations, love, dedication, passion, intimacy, plans, time and attention that has been invested into your, now, ex-partner.
This is the time that it is most important to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. You need to get enough rest because this period of the grief process is particularly tiring. You need to eat right, exercise and try to stay healthy. You need to surround yourself with supportive friends, people who love you and make you feel good about yourself. Sometimes we don't have all these people around us, if that is the case surround yourself by positive books, songs, affirmations and anything that can motivate you to see the light is welcome. And you need to force yourself to go out and do things that interest you even though this feels like the last thing that you want to do.
The feeling that you will never love again, that you will never be happy again, that the sun will never shine again, the emptiness that overcomes your being, that life is over, can be an overwhelming feeling sometimes.
The daily chores can be unattainable and a burden to just think about them — how can you be required to think of anything when your whole world has just collapsed???? — It feels like a storm shift your boat from the route you had planned in life and you have no idea where the next patch of land will be, there are no maps, no direction, no stars to guide you on the darkness of the night.
It's a normal step on the grieving process and you must feel free to do whatever it takes. Cry a river if it will make you feel better, look at photos of a better time or just burn them, read love letters over and over or write all your angst on pages after pages (just makes sure you don't send them), maybe close your eyes and live the memories as they came to you. Listen to the songs that meant something to both of you, sing out loud as you used to do with him/her.
Even tough in time, the end of the relationship will prove to be the best for both of you, it still hurts and it is sad right now, there were dreams and expectations, feel free to express and acknowledge all this sadness and allow it to heal.
When sadness and sorrow begins to overtake you, don't hide, or run from it — it is there, and the best remedy is to stare straight in the eyes and take control. Don't try or pretend that it doesn't mean nothing — regardless of the fact that the other party might be just moving on his/hers merry way, it did mean something to you — don't hold back, let it roll free, otherwise you will never be free of these feelings. It will follow you wherever you go and will come back to haunt you when you least expect. Depression is a powerful emotion but it is only an emotion and it will eventually pass.
It is all right to feel sadness with the dissolution of any relationship, if that relationship meant something, as you move forward and begin to live again the feelings will become more manageable and subdued. Don't be afraid, get your own closure.
Finally the last step: Acceptance
Ahhhh.....finally the end of a journey you thought you would never reach.
No matter how many times you passed back and forth between the stages listed above, you will, one day find that those stages are finally done. This is where you discover the ability to admit the truth, take responsibility where it is due, recognize where you were and what you have experienced, learn from and acknowledge the effects this loss has had - and now the time to start living again has finally arrived!
You will no longer be trying to fix things or wishing that things were different. You will not be trying to get back what you once had or blaming the other person for things going wrong. You will have accepted that things were the way they were, that the situation ended as it did, that you have grown as a person and that all it is okay. As you go through the breakup it feels like you will never get over it while you go from on step to the other, but eventually, believe it or not, if you have dealt properly with the other four stages of grief then you really will get to this one.
Until this point you had just enough courage to only dare to live one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time — however reaching acceptance means that you are no longer oblivious to your feelings. They have all been absorbed, sorted out and became part of who you are and who you have become after this experience.
CELEBRATE! You have won over yourself, over your own weaknesses' and made them your strengths. You have survived, yes there are scars but they just made you stronger! The skies have finally cleared and there is a bright sun shining after all, a long and clear road unwinds in front of you, filled with opportunities and possibilities. Finally you get up in the morning and think that life is for the living and this moment is the moment to take it on! You are now better and more knowledgeable of yourself and aware of the need to tender to you and to your heart.
Take a deep breath and move forward. Who knows? Maybe the one you have dreamt of might be just around the next corner.
N. Cardoso
