Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Redirecting to new blog

Hello,

Thank you for stopping by. If you came here I would like to ask you to please follow the link bellow to my new blog address. I have reviewed and changed some of the information including the name.

http://buildingahappyrelationship.wordpress.com/

I truly look forward to see you at Building a Happy Relationship - Brick by Brick. Feel free to leave a note

N. Cardoso

 

Friday, June 22, 2012

LIVING THROUGH THE HEALING PROCESS AND GETTING READY TO MOVE ON.

“There are no classes in life for beginners; right away you are always asked to deal with what is most difficult” Rainer Rilke
The healing process is like anything else - harder the first time around.

You will always hope that this will be the only time you will go through this experience, unfortunately it happens more often than you would like. But who know it might the last time for you.

The end of a serious relationship as we spoke before is emotionally challenging and draining. Can drive you to do things that are damaging to yourself and others.

There will be days that you just want to be forgotten. That you just want to pity yourself. This behavior is normal, expected and ok sometimes, however remember the ones you love and love you back. It is important to talk to your friends and family about it. Talking about is not just an exorcism, but a healthy escape valve as well, it will mend your heart quicker because you are letting thoughts and facts that are hurting you to get out.

It is ok to let your friends and family know that you don't need to be fixed or need their opinion on the matter. That all you need and are looking for is to talk and to be reminded that there are people who loves you even in your darkest hours.

Accepting the fact that you and your ex are no longer together is a necessity if you are serious about healing your broken heart.

There are very high possibilities that you will sometimes catch yourself unable to function thinking constantly about your ex or repeatedly calling or visiting him or her for another chance. If this is your case then you should really seek counseling.

Ask yourself "Do I really want that relationship back? Do I believe if I bring my broken heart to you - he or she, who broke it in the first place - will make it whole again or will feel guilty and sorry for me and will come back? Do I really believe that this time all will be fine because my love is enough to mend everything and you will not hurt me again because you now know hurt I am? Or do I believe that all the time invested in the relationship justify any sacrifice including my self-respect and self-esteem?"

Sometimes talking to a professional is the best solution since they are emotionally detached from the issue and have a clearer perception of what has happened and will be there to keep you in check with the reality of the facts instead letting you fly away on the conjectures and fantastic and elaborate excuses you may create to ease the pain. There are also support groups which are offered in many towns and work as well as therapy.

For me personally there are few ways I use to avoid these dangerous areas is: Keep yourself occupied (Mind and body); Go out with friends and family to help get your mind off the break up; Spend the least amount of time by yourself as possible (even though you feel like it) specially in the first few weeks of the break up to allow your emotions to slowly and patiently fall back into their normal pattern.

Whatever way you choose to deal with the issue, the point is to see what has occurred with a new outlook and understand what has happened. Opening your mind and becoming able to digest the pain will allow you to gather strength, to hold yourself up again. It will guide you to find that fulfilling relationship you deserve to have. And most importantly will allow your self-growth and improvement.

Another important step it to forgive yourself. Fight with all your strength the thoughts that comes telling you that you are a failure and are the one to blame for the end of your relationship. That is one of the reasons why it's important to be away from you ex as well. They might be on the same situation and want to blame you and you alone for what has happened.

When a relationship ends it means that the two of you were no longer compatible and that always takes two, not just you or your partner alone to make or break a relationship.

Exercise reviewing the relationship under different lenses. Remember the things you enjoyed before and during the relationship. Make a list if necessary. Then make another list of the things you did not like or disappointed you, or the things you have notice changing over time, or the ones that you were not looking and they changed anyway - even the little ones you disregard - Add to that list the things you stopped doing for the benefit of your relationship.

Now look at those lists and see if you can find in which point things started going wrong. Usually starts where laughter and enjoyment stopped. Where things turned into an auto pilot situation. When the motions kept you or your partner moving instead of either one of you making an effort to create situations to enjoy and spend time with each other. If you really pay attention to it you will see when 'the road' became 'two different roads'. You might tend to blame on someone else but the reality is that it happened right in front of you while you were not paying attention or just took all for granted and got too comfortable.

It is not an easy exercise but looking at the experience as a whole instead of parts will start to heal and will offer you an opportunity to learn and improve your relationships skills. It helps you to grow and understand yourself and truly figure what you need and want from a romantic relationship.
We all make mistakes and sometimes we keep making the same mistakes over and over again expecting different results every time. Obviously that will not happen. Learning to face our problems will help us to avoid those mistakes on the next relationship.

It is part of our human nature to blame others for our mistakes therefore it comes with no surprise when a relationship ends the need you have to blame your ex-lover, anyone and everyone else one else that is involved or not at involved in the situation, to be honest just to be alive and breathing justify the fact that we will blame them for the demise of your relationship, there is no need to be coherence , it is such an easy and natural road to take.

That might get you through for a while but in the long run you will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes with someone else. Some of the reasons your last relationship did not work lies within yourself hiding or ignoring them will not make them disappear, you will find yourself on the same situation over and over again until the pattern is changed and the only person who can stop this recurring blueprint is you.

Hating your ex will only cause you to attract the same type of energy around yourself. Hate only causes tension and stress in your own life (keep in mind that will not affect your ex). If he or she acts like you chances are they will be busy having the same feelings towards you. Hate causes your emotions to slow down from getting back in order.

At this stage you need positive energy and positive people around you. Find ways to release this negative energy somewhere else. (Just an idea - for me kickboxing, walking, writing and meditating have always been a great way to release all that negative energy.)

Why not look at the break up on a different light instead being bitter against you ex-partner?  Appreciate their honesty or your own honesty of no longer wanting to pursue the relationship, instead giving you high hopes that all is perfect and colorful.

Yeah, we all know it is 'easier said than done' and your natural instinct will want to attack in order to defend yourself. But the matter of the fact is that will not do any good to anyone involved, specially you.

Never underestimate the power we have to transform loss into gain and make a heartbreak into something positive.

Here I will add a personal experience. This book has been on my mind for a long while and the idea that I was not disciplined; that I had nothing to say or share about experiencing a true and fulfilling relationship, when I myself am a single person on my 50's , for too long pushed this project to the side. In 2009 my heart was broken into a thousands of pieces by someone I have loved and trusted dearly for a number of years. To find out that even with so much 'I thought I knew about life' this man was able to con 2 women on believing that he was 'the one' and that we were the 'only one for him'. Ironically he was 'the one' who reminded me of how much I enjoyed writing and then everything else is history.

The pain was so deep, that in order to respect myself and the consequences of his choices, I finally decided to sit down and work on this project. In the meantime, amazingly enough, while writing this book it has helped me not just to re-discover myself but to see many signs I have refused to see and deal with because my heart was so madly in love with this person.

Is a relationship based on pity, sorry, obligation, guilty? Is it based on a promise done many years ago when you were not even aware of the person you were going to become? Pretending to be the same person you were years ago when you have become someone else, refusing to life your dream because too much is invested?? If this is what you are looking for? If so have a ball go ahead, we will meet again soon, yes we will!!

How long do you really think a relationship based on those feelings can resist? How low is your self-esteem to believe that this is what you deserve?

Oh! There is one thing you should know now, the next time, when things falls apart again, the wounds will be much deeper and it will take even longer to heal since you will have not just to get over your ex but to recover your self-respect and self-esteem.

Remember that your ex-partner has also invested a lot into this relationship so breaking up might be hard for them as well. It is always better to leave a relationship that had no chances to survive than to be betrayed and misled to remain on it for a longer time.

Forgiving yourself and your ex-lover will speed up the healing process. Allowing forgiveness will make you feel more peaceful and calm about it. Always remember that it does take two to make or break a relationship.

Excluding the obvious cons and misleading people man and women out there that spend their time making believe histories and lives to fool others, the fact is, if you are in a real relationship with someone, as hard as this might be to be accepted. somehow throughout that period you have on one way or another contributed to the distance that lead you to the break-up. Sometimes for something you did or, in the majority of the times, for something you didn't do, or didn't think it was important at the time, that there was time, that all would go back to 'normal'. It doesn't mean that you were the only one responsible for the relationship to end, but there are always two sides of the same history, and in the end, each part plays an important part to build or let a relationship die. Take responsibility for your part on it and work with it to move forward.

Embrace this opportunity that is being given to you to learn from your mistakes, to become a better you.
"An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we are comfortable with who we are can we truly function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: it takes two holes." Patricia Fry

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Broken Heart, We All Have One - Handle With Care.

"...Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer' R. Rilke - 1903

Are you wondering how long it will be before you can get through your daily routine without feeling the pain sweep you over, without the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach, without dwelling on what went wrong?

These are some of the questions you'll ask yourself after a break up.

It is always important to keep in mind, that even though you believe no one else in the world has ever or will ever suffer like you do, at this moment, you are not alone and time and patience are your best friends.

Just remember: granted you need time to heal, however life and time will not stop because you are hurting. So take your time but don't waste it.

The pain of being brokenhearted is like the feeling of love — it is a feeling that no one can understand until they have experienced it for themselves. If you have lived that experience than you are aware of how delicate your heart become.

Healing a broken heart will take time and it will be painful but it is NOT impossible. Though it does feel that way sometimes. The healing process is never an easy one, but it is a necessary one.

I like to compare the whole healing process to a wounded dog who sits in a corner begging to be left alone and undisturbed so it can tender, lick and care for its own wounds until they are healed. If you observe you will see that once in a while it does look at the wound before tendering for it a little more, and one day after another the wound will get better and better until all it is fine and the dog is ready for another adventure. If we care enough to take a close look we will confirm that the scars are still there and that, in the beginning the dog will be careful with that part of its body for a while longer but it can move normally again, after a while will be like it never happened and it will play and enjoy itself like before. So will you after the initial devastation. Believe you me, all will be fine.

Just breathe, think of your own self, move forward, one tiny little step at a time is okay. It's okay to mourn for a lost relationship, people sometimes react negatively to the mourning process but it is an important and well worth one.

To retrieve and work on your broken heart will require strength and self-knowledge rather than weakness. It takes courage to face yourself in the mirror and recognize that yes it does hurt and to say to others 'Please leave me alone, it hurts, and I need time.'

Doesn't mean you are pathetic for doing so. It means that you had real feelings and those feelings were broken, and now they need to be repaired, it means that you are mature, confident and strong enough to recognize that and work on it.

It's perfectly normal to feel sad, cry and even ask for help after a break up. Trying to ignore, to push all under the rug and not think about the situation, to start a new life as a way to avoid dealing with the issues will not make them disappear, it will just enhance the probabilities of them repeating themselves again and again. Jumping into new relationships without taking a good look on the errors, mistakes, learning the lessons and most importantly healing your heart will only lead to a long and painful road of denial, road that — as a free person you are — you do have the right to choose as well. If that is your choice you might want to stop reading this blog right about now.

The process is very similar of a mourning person. It is not an easy process and is not learned and done in a couple of days, it takes time, courage and discipline. There will be steps on the process that you might not like and might make you uncomfortable with the fact that you must confront your own fears, undoing mistakes and working mostly in your own reaction to what has happened. However these steps are important to cure the injury and bring you back to life and then to get you ready and better to search again and find the happy relationship you deserve.

Take a deep breath and move ahead one step at a time.

Anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one and who has dealt with the pain of that experience by seeing a counselor or working through self-help workbooks will tell you that there are five stages of grief that you go through as you deal with this loss. What you may not know is that we go through some version of these five stages of grief every single time that we feel a loss even if there isn’t a death involved. One type of loss that all of us eventually experience is the loss of a romantic relationship that was very important to us. When we go through that experience, we go through those same stages of grief that we would go through if someone close to us had died.

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief, is a theory first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross[1] in her book On Death and Dying, which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients, but it can be accommodated to any type of dramatic loss.

It is important to expect individual variation. Don't expect a clean progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, or stages can hit at the same time, or occur in a different order. So why do we bother with stage models at all? Because they are a good 'general guide' of what to expect.

Long period of "depression" (not clinical depression), isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy strikes. 'Outsiders' do not understand this whole process and feel that it should be time already for you to 'get over it' and rejoin the rest of the world.

Knowing that what you are feeling is normal, wanting to be alone with your reflections at this time it is 'normal' , it will help you to deal with outside pressure. Take your sweet time and heal, learn from your mistakes and misfortunes, that's usually where the most worthwhile lessons will be found, don't waste the opportunity. If you are already here and have to go through, make the most you can, take all the advantage you possibly can from the situation.

First Step: Shock and Denial

This is the most common reaction and one of the most difficult steps on the healing process. Usually involves your unwillingness to see what is clear and right in front of you.

You will probably react to learning of the loss with a numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for a few weeks.

People sometimes get stuck in this process because they refuse to see what someone who is/was important to them have done. Sometimes because involves accepting that you have closed your eyes to the truth and your refusal to acknowledge the 'death' of that relationship with a significant other makes this process longer than it needs to be.

As humans we are often afraid of the unknown, of changes or surprises that might come with it. You might get entangled trying to find excuses to yourself and others, to justify logically what has happened, to believe that you can make all go back to 'normal', that there is nothing wrong, that you might have caused the 'wreck' yourself and the other part was just an innocent bystander. Maybe all was caused by an exterior force, by others unwillingness to cooperate, that the whole situation was a fate of the destiny beyond anybody's control. To move on pretending that all is fine and dandy with the relationship between you and the other person, that all will be fine if you just stand still, stop breathing and wait — you may deny the fact that some very basic things have changed or are impacting the course of your life. It is an efficient way to defend yourself against your fears — at least for a while.

There will be times when you will try to:
  • Bury your head on the sand and blame everybody else under the sun;
  • Refuse to see things as they are, no matter how many times and how many different ways they are presented to you;
  • Refuse to accept your share of responsibility for the problems and keep blaming everybody else for your own part of the mistakes made;
Different people react to the denial phase in different ways. Some will accept the reality, stick up to the fact that they are responsible for some of the happenings and learn from it knowing that it's time to move on, then they will take their heads off the hole on the sand, making sure they are ready for the next step and moving courageously towards it.

For others, however, they remain stuck in their refusal to see what's happening and are unable to move beyond it. They just go on in and out of relationships making the same mistakes over and over until at one point, hopefully they can't handle it anymore and snap.

Yet for some others they will just pretend it never happened and that you will never talk about it, or that you were not that much into your ex anyway - you might be able to fool yourself for a while - however not dealing with the issue will not make it disappear, will just make it bigger as a snow ball down the mountain, getting bigger and bigger, creating that cold feeling on the top of your stomach every time an eye to eye conversation is necessary or a new relationship comes along.

Second Step: Anger

Anger is a human feeling and it is okay to feel it for the right reasons. Anger towards your partner, anger towards yourself for not seeing it coming or even anger towards everybody else who are breathing and living while you are in pain. How dare them?

It is normal to feel anger for the ways each party has contributed to the demise of the relationship. Enraged that your status in life is changing - emotionally, financially, socially and psychologically.

It is very important to realize that anger is a normal and necessary part of the grieving process. It will lead, in time, to the path of acceptance which is, presumably, everyone's ultimate goal. Additionally, anger may be a great energizer — because of this anger you are motivated to 'show them' what you can do. The energy associated with anger may often help you to move into the right direction and to make the necessary changes.

Avoiding this, not so glamorous period, may cause you to bury the feelings inside until they will either implode (expressing themselves as depression — which is "anger turned inwards") or explode by losing control and hurting yourself or someone else.

Take control of your anger and your life. Anger does not force you to punch a hole in the wall — you choose to do that as a reaction to your angry feeling. Keep in mind that you have an option to respond instead to react to the circumstances.

As long as you are in control, your anger will be only temporary and not overwhelming (even though many times sleepless nights and weight lost might make you think that this feeling will never leave), but believe YOU in time you will feel much better and will be free again!

Third Step: Bargaining

The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay this loss.

Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand this is ending, but if I could just do something to buy more time...", or "Can we still be friends?..". Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution.

As tough this is typically considered to be the third stage of grief it may come before the anger for a lot of people as they try to move out of their denial and to work things out with their partner.

Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end. It’s when you say to your Higher Power that you’ll meditate more often if only you’ll experience enough peace to get through the tough times together.

Sometimes bargaining actually works. Sometimes you can actually find constructive ways to reach an agreement with yourself, your partner and / or your god to change the situation so that you can still be in a relationship. But most times it is just part of the process that we go through as we learn to deal with the fact that our relationship with someone is coming to an end. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

Fourth step: Sadness and Depression

This stage might take the greatest emotional toll. However you have passed Denial and Anger and should be proud of yourself, now Sadness comes to take every little moment of peace that you will manage to have, to be a constant reminder of what you have lost. It is somehow a type of death, death of your dreams, expectations, love, dedication, passion, intimacy, plans, time and attention that has been invested into your, now, ex-partner.

This is the time that it is most important to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. You need to get enough rest because this period of the grief process is particularly tiring. You need to eat right, exercise and try to stay healthy. You need to surround yourself with supportive friends, people who love you and make you feel good about yourself. Sometimes we don't have all these people around us, if that is the case surround yourself by positive books, songs, affirmations and anything that can motivate you to see the light is welcome. And you need to force yourself to go out and do things that interest you even though this feels like the last thing that you want to do.

The feeling that you will never love again, that you will never be happy again, that the sun will never shine again, the emptiness that overcomes your being, that life is over, can be an overwhelming feeling sometimes.

The daily chores can be unattainable and a burden to just think about them — how can you be required to think of anything when your whole world has just collapsed???? — It feels like a storm shift your boat from the route you had planned in life and you have no idea where the next patch of land will be, there are no maps, no direction, no stars to guide you on the darkness of the night.

It's a normal step on the grieving process and you must feel free to do whatever it takes. Cry a river if it will make you feel better, look at photos of a better time or just burn them, read love letters over and over or write all your angst on pages after pages (just makes sure you don't send them), maybe close your eyes and live the memories as they came to you. Listen to the songs that meant something to both of you, sing out loud as you used to do with him/her.

Even tough in time, the end of the relationship will prove to be the best for both of you, it still hurts and it is sad right now, there were dreams and expectations, feel free to express and acknowledge all this sadness and allow it to heal.

When sadness and sorrow begins to overtake you, don't hide, or run from it — it is there, and the best remedy is to stare straight in the eyes and take control. Don't try or pretend that it doesn't mean nothing — regardless of the fact that the other party might be just moving on his/hers merry way, it did mean something to you — don't hold back, let it roll free, otherwise you will never be free of these feelings. It will follow you wherever you go and will come back to haunt you when you least expect. Depression is a powerful emotion but it is only an emotion and it will eventually pass.

It is all right to feel sadness with the dissolution of any relationship, if that relationship meant something, as you move forward and begin to live again the feelings will become more manageable and subdued. Don't be afraid, get your own closure.

Finally the last step: Acceptance

Ahhhh.....finally the end of a journey you thought you would never reach.

No matter how many times you passed back and forth between the stages listed above, you will, one day find that those stages are finally done. This is where you discover the ability to admit the truth, take responsibility where it is due, recognize where you were and what you have experienced, learn from and acknowledge the effects this loss has had - and now the time to start living again has finally arrived!

You will no longer be trying to fix things or wishing that things were different. You will not be trying to get back what you once had or blaming the other person for things going wrong. You will have accepted that things were the way they were, that the situation ended as it did, that you have grown as a person and that all it is okay. As you go through the breakup it feels like you will never get over it while you go from on step to the other, but eventually, believe it or not, if you have dealt properly with the other four stages of grief then you really will get to this one.

Until this point you had just enough courage to only dare to live one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time — however reaching acceptance means that you are no longer oblivious to your feelings. They have all been absorbed, sorted out and became part of who you are and who you have become after this experience.

CELEBRATE! You have won over yourself, over your own weaknesses' and made them your strengths. You have survived, yes there are scars but they just made you stronger! The skies have finally cleared and there is a bright sun shining after all, a long and clear road unwinds in front of you, filled with opportunities and possibilities. Finally you get up in the morning and think that life is for the living and this moment is the moment to take it on! You are now better and more knowledgeable of yourself and aware of the need to tender to you and to your heart.

Take a deep breath and move forward. Who knows? Maybe the one you have dreamt of might be just around the next corner.
N. Cardoso

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Love...What is this Eluding Feeling?

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." Erica Jong
Before we speak about relationships there are few things we have to understand about it and they are imperative when a relationship is on the horizon.

Love is one of them. It is after all the reason we all go into a relationship. Many other things are also wanted on a relationship such as understanding, to be accepted, respected, cherished but to be love is the main goal.

The large majority of us wants to find that extraordinary someone, that person who will make our dreams come true. Someone who will be, finally, the reason why we were born. So let's talk a little about it and set the right expectations about it.

The potential of finding love gives us the courage to get into this adventure that can bring us to the heights of heaven or break our heart and send us into hell for a while.
What is love? Does anyone has the answer for this question at all?

Centuries have passed by, many people have loved the true love and many have just dreamed of it. I do not believe anyone can give love a 'proper' definition since it varies from being to being, culture to culture, it varies in form, shape and intensity.

Psychology portraits love as a cognitive phenomenon with a social cause. It is said to have three components in the book of psychology: Intimacy, Commitment and Passion.

The Dictionary describes LOVE as to like with great intensity. To enjoy very much, take great pleasure in. Very strong liking and affection. Strong enjoyment or pleasure. An enduring person.

Love has many definitions, nevertheless it's always related to something magnificent. Something that makes everything else worth.
"...if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing..." 1 Corinthians 13
Love is a journey of two people in search of the perfect balance of respect, acceptance, passion, intimacy and compatibility.

To some, love is a strong friendship, for others love is like luck, that you have or don't have. To others it is something worth to search to the end of the world to find that rare magic that is believed to make live worth living. Yet to some others, love is something that you can buy with money. To some it justifies going to the absurd of killing others. To others it's a fable that's told to little kids to make them fall sleep and have nice dreams.

Whatever the 'right definition or way to feel it might be' love along with happiness has always been the holly grail of human history.

We have heard many poems, music and ways to describe love.
"...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love..." 1 Corinthians 13
Love bonds and connects people in a strong union of trust, intimacy and interdependence while respecting each other's own independence, being, dreams and desires. It makes a relationship whole and comforts the soul.

There are many different types of love:

Probably the strongest one is the love of a mother and her child. An example of unconditional love and there is no way it can be measured. The majority of mothers will die to protect her child. Nothing in the whole wide world is more important to her not even her own life.

Romantic love is deep, intense and ideally never-ending. Is shared on an intimate, trusted and sexual relationship.

Platonic, familiar, religious and friendship loves are also sign of great affection. Its meaning will change with different relations.

Nonetheless throughout history and in our current days love have been associate to many instances of hatred, betrayal and brutality in relationships. Brothers against brothers, siblings enmity, spouses betrayal, sons and daughters killing their parents, parents killing and being disloyal to their own kids and so much more we see every day when we tune onto the news.

Unfortunately all those events are a part of our current reality and has been part of our history for centuries. They do happen and have always happened, it however has nothing to do with love but with the lack and understanding of it.

Not rarely, faulty parties on these crimes use the word love as an excuse to commit such crimes, maybe because in their minds makes more sense than just admit that they have no love, nor respect for others not to themselves. Or maybe because using the pretense that such acts were committed in name of love, will, somehow, make them more human, or more forgiving, or more acceptable. Or maybe because they have no knowledge of what love is.

People who commit crimes in name of love have lost love, have replaced it with control, ownership, possession and ironically don't understand the meaning of love all together. Perhaps they don't comprehend that love is freedom, love is not egotistical, love is to respect the other person's wishes even if their wishes are to be apart from you, love is to have the other's happiness and well-being in mind above your own.

People blame others for their own mistakes and faults. Instead of assuming responsibility, forgiving and learning from their mistakes they just go on cultivating hate amongst themselves.

Love has bewilder many of the greatest thinkers in our history. What is this inexplicable feeling idea that can be felt but can't be explained?
"Love is a feeling that can't be described. It has to be experienced to be understood. It's like trying to describe the feeling one have when in front of the wide open ocean to someone who has never lived outside the prairies." N. Cardoso
Love has always been fundamental on inspiring many creative arts such as music, poetry, paintings, sculptures, and literature. Love has been the reason for many historic and epic acts of self-sacrifice.

There is always a necessity to remind ourselves about the need to understand, forgive and love each other, reminding always that nobody's perfect and there will always be someone who knows more than we do.

The box bought idea portrayed by TV, movies and magazines that love comes with the image of success, picture perfect life, where joy, laughter and a life filled with thrilling moments. Where an everlasting happiness - where one partner can read the other's thoughts and act before being asked - is a far cry image from the reality of day after day. It transmits the wrongful idea that if love doesn't come in this format it means we have not found love at all.

Being together with someone must include joy, laughter and happiness but also includes sharing sorrow, difficulties, learning, yearning, tears, disappointments and pain. It requires one to provide the other with space to grow and be themselves and at the same time being there for each other's needs.

The bottom line is: loving each other and striving for a happy relationship requires work, dedication, prioritizing the relationship and each other.

A happy relationship doesn't happen just for sheer luck. It has to be cultivated like a little seed before it can bloom into beautiful and colorful flower and produce its fruits.

Loving someone might also mean letting them go. Like a mother who after so much dedication has to let her child go on their own merry way. Sometimes romantic love brings us to that path as well.

Two people might just grow apart and there will be a need to respect and accept that and let the other one go and find our own path alone and start again.

Love can also lead to a broken heart, which is one thought we don't like or want to have when falling in love.

A friend of mine used to say: "love stories always ends at the wedding party..." no one wants to talk about what comes after; the routine, the day-to-day activities, the learning process, the disagreements, the disappointments, the work it takes to keep love blooming, day after day, month after month, year after year. The surprise people experience when the pink-colored glasses are removed and the crude and not so glamorous nor romantic routine settles in.

I believe that part of the shock comes from the fact that it's hard to accept that life can go back to its normality after such an amazing experience.

It's hard to accept that love can die if not tendered to. That love nor a piece of paper with signatures on it alone are not enough to keep two people together if they do not work on all the other little things, besides love, that are required to keep a relationship fresh, renewed, excitable. If not tendered, that love that has brought you to the top of the world will fall into the boredom and the pair will become unfamiliar to each other. They will, without a question, grow apart, even if there is a false impression of peace and harmony.

Some people are more patient than others, or have more courage or less courage (as you wish) than others and some relationships might last longer than others but the result is always the same if the fundamentals are missing - if not a divorce on the horizon, two lonely, scared and unhappy people living a pretending life together as couple or roommates watching life passing them by - instead of a life with a partner that completes the scenery we can imprison ourselves into a life of mediocrity and unsatisfying days, months and years because we are afraid of either leaving, being left or being alone.

So why it's so important to us humans to find this thing called love? To endure the bumps and go through the painful possibility of a broken heart or to lose everything if this feeling is not tendered and preserved for?

I believe it has to do with the fact that love is a supreme feeling and the belief that loving and being loved is well worth prize, the risk of pain that might come with it. The Brazilian composer Vinicios de Moraes used to sing:
'....let love be eternal as long as it last...'
Love for one month or love for a whole life, the important thing is to love.

People want many different things in life: a family, a big house, a little house, husband and kids, lots of money, enough money, fame, power, etc, but the one common occurrence is that everybody, without exception NEED to be loved. Be loved for who we are, be loved and accepted with our goods, bad and ugly details.

Why so many times we hear about a love story going bad rather than ones with a happy ending?

Maybe it's because too much expectation in love itself is created. We imagine that love will be a magically transform everything, us, our partner and the rest of the world. We believe that love is enough to keep two people together. Nothing else is necessary but love.
"Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends." Mary Catherwood
I myself, have been in situations where a nagging voice inside would tell me that he didn't have what it took, that he was never strong enough to face crisis and overcome them, to stand up for me, to fight and keep me by his side, yet my romantic side always believed that somehow, someday, my love for him would make him somehow different. It's funny now to look back and see how many times have we expected the object of our affection to be strong enough to stand up for our love? Just to find out that they are who they are - that our love didn't make them someone else - if they cannot stand up for themselves how can we expect them to stand up for us or anyone else for that matter?

Loosing someone we love is a pain beyond description. We'll wonder why it happened, not unusual we'll wonder what have we done wrong. We'll feel like we'll never love again and life, as we know it, has ended.

We were trained to believe that we'll love once and only once. Some people might have one love for their entire life but the majority of us, thanks to the heavens, will love more than once in our lifetime.

The love we swear to keep forever when we are young and naive is usually promised by someone different than the person most of us will turn out to be with time. We will become someone new, our partner will also changed and not too rare the two people who once vowed to love each other until 'death do us part' are not the same people 10 years after that promise. If they follow the normal path of life, they will evolve, they will change their priorities, their dreams, their urgencies, their needs, their desires and unfortunately, not too unusual, the young and naive couple, that once where so in love, find that they grew apart.

Love has this power of making us believe that all is possible, that we can fly and be together above all the obstacles, that we'll never change, that our partner will never change, that all will remain the same as it was on that 'special moment when Love was promised', that 'this new life' will be an exciting adventure worth of a best seller. We dream that nothing will ever change, we want to believe that love gives us the power to freeze the world, to prevent time from ticking, to stop the daily routine of our mundane life, struggles and to avoid problems and the crude reality of life itself to interfere.

Each person reacts different to this magic feeling. Love alone does not have the power to change the world. Some people love the freedom and courage that comes along with loving someone - the feeling that we can be better than we have ever imagine, that we have the power to be so much more.

This power that makes the smile come to our lips when no one is looking or talking to us - the memories of 'us' comes rushing and breaks the monotony of a working day, when we feel the blood rushing warm and fast through our veins just with anticipation, the feeling that makes the sky more blue, the perfume of flowers stronger, that gives us wings and makes us dare to dream, dare to fly.

Love do give us the strength to take action and determination to make ourselves better and to be deserving of this wonderful feeling.

However there are others, to whom this feeling completely paralyzes them. Scared by the fact that usually it can't be controlled, by the fact that our heart have its owns ideas and movements when love comes along. Some are so afraid that they rather hide their heads on the sand in hopes that it will disappear - some are so frightened by it that they'll settle for the comfort and routine they know and control rather than daring to let love into their lives.

And finally there are those who are just too selfish to be able to love anybody but themselves. Love is after all a relationship between two or more people - Love has the other person's best interest in mind - not the typical idea of 'what is in for me' that many look for in today's individualistic, immediate satisfaction and selfish world we live.

Love can transform a person but this person has to be open and willing to be transformed. Loving someone is being able to see this person without their masks and still love them for who they are, not for what you want and hope them to be.

Nobody is perfect. We all have our pros and cons. Love must make us want to be better than we have ever thought possible in the benefit and happiness of ourselves and our loved ones.

I could go on and on talking about love since it is my favorite subject except that there are other things to talk about and time is short, so let's move on.

Another issue we have to address before getting into a relationship are unresolved issues.

N. Cardoso

Thursday, May 17, 2012

WHAT IS THE IDEAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN AND MAN AND A WOMAN?

"What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It's we who make it complicated."   Leo Buscaglia  

On this pursuit to find what is a balanced and happy relationship I have came upon an analysis on the movie 'Pretty Woman' written by Rachid Dayal that talks about Man/Woman relationship that I found to be very interesting.

He talks about the central couple in the movie and how they (Richard Gere and Julia Roberts) connect with each other complementing what the other one lacks on.
Gere sees something special about Roberts (the hooker he hired for a week) she is a smart girl trapped by the surroundings and circumstances of this life. He helps her to change her physical image, and her mental image and eventually she decides to leave the profession and move on to complete her schooling.

In the meantime Roberts sees in Gere (the client who hired her for the week yet does not want to have sex but talk) something amazing hidden inside that men. She walks him along the path to rediscover himself - to kill the cold, calculating businessman within him and make him a man who feels, who creates and who loves.

Rachid Dayal goes ahead to recognize that this movie relationship is a great analogy of what a really successful relationship should be. Every woman is beautiful and smart but living far from her potential. Usually circumstances force them to cut their dreams short and live the daily life. And most man get stuck in their day-to-day tasks rather calculating.

So, what is this ideal partnership?

Dayal believes that every person should look for someone who helps them grow into something great - their real potential. Someone who can show them a new life of excitement, potential and fun,  doing more that they do in their current lives.

Dayal makes a very valid point - an ideal relationship between two people should bring both of them up, to something twice as better from what there were individually. 

N. Cardoso

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Being Happy First - Prepare Yourself For a Healthy and Wholesome Relationship - Part II

"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold, the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul." - Democritus (460?-370? BC)

Democritus knew that to be true many years before Christ. Many things have changed since, but his knowledge about happiness is still as simples and true as it was then.

In order to be happy, the first step to be learned is to be happy with ourselves. Happiness comes from within. It does take some exercising to get used to it and learn how to tap into this inner potential.

Learning the secret of being happy, independently of another person, or any exterior influence possessions such as: money, power, possessions, social acceptance, professional environment, or any other resources is an important step on creating a healthy relationship with ourselves and, consequently, with others.

Once we have learned that our happiness must be attained within ourselves first, it will be easier to understand that it can only be enhanced by others. The knowledge that our happiness is ours, regardless of others, gives us a type of freedom that we can't fathom in our wildest dreams. It makes us wings to fly high and dare  to love without being afraid of loosing. If our heart is broken throughout the process it is less painful since we know that, even thought we may now be sad for the loss, we  have the understanding that they are not the key holders of our happiness, we, ourselves, are.

This knowledge makes us aware that, no matter what happens, and how long we will, temporarily be sad for the loss, it is just up tours to stand up and move on, since the source of our own happiness is within ourselves.

No, you are right, it is not an easy process, specially when we have been brain washed to believe that we would only be happy when we finish school, get a college degree, get married, have someone to love us, are accepted by our peers, have a beautiful house, a decent bank account and a job at the top....hum.....so what happens if all this doesn't happens? What if not everyone is meant to be or stay married, or to live in a beautiful house, or have a big bank account, a fancy car or occupy the few top jobs?? What then??? Does that means that the rest of us are doomed to be unhappy? There will be no rest for the wicked?

Why are we not taught that, regardless of what life throws at you, your attitude, self-respect, self-love and acceptance is what gives you the power and strength to move forward. Why were we not taught that money, house, positions, fame and power are not the only synonym of happiness?

When we are finally able to re-program ourselves to understand that we must first be happy alone, learn to be happy with the much or little we have is the only way to truly be happy with the rest of the world. When we learn to be happy alone, then it is time to keep our eyes and heart open to accept the people that will come into our lives to enhance it.

So what is Happiness?

Regardless of our culture, skin color, religion or beliefs we all look for the same thing HAPPINESS. So what is that makes us happy?

While researching about happiness I found an essay written by Buddhist Philosopher Daisaku Ikeda that talks about it:

"What is the purpose of life? It is to become happy. Whatever country or society people live in, they all have the same deep desire; to become happy.

Yet, there are few ideals as difficult to grasp as that of happiness. In our daily life we constantly experience happiness and unhappiness, but we are still quite ignorant as to what happiness really is.

A young friend of mine once spent a long time trying to work out what happiness was, particularly for women. When she first thought about happiness she saw it as a matter of becoming financially secure and getting married. (The view in Japanese society then was that happiness for a woman was only to be found in marriage) But looking at friends who were married, she realized that  marriage didn't necessarily guarantee happiness?

She saw couples who had been passionately in love suffering from discord soon after their wedding. She saw women who had married man with money or status but who fought constantly with their husbands.

Gradually she realized that the secret to happiness lay in building a strong inner self that no trial or hardship could ruin. She saw that happiness for anyone - man or woman - does not come simply from having a formal education, from wealth or from marriage. It begins with having the strength to confront and conquer one's own weaknesses. Only then does it become possible to lead a truly happy life and enjoy a successful marriage.

She finally told me, "Now I can say with confidence that happiness doesn't exist in the past or in the future. It only exists within out state of life right now, here in the present, as we face the challenges of daily life."

You know best if you are feeling joy or struggling with suffering. These things are not know to other people. Even a man who has great wealth, social recognition and many awards may still be shadowed by indescribable suffering deep in his heart. On the other hand, an elderly woman who isn't fortunate financially, leading a simple life alone, may feel the sun of joy and happiness rising in her heart each day.

Happiness is not life without problems, but rather the strength to overcome the problems that come our way. The is no such a thing as problem-free life; difficulties are unavoidable. But how we experience and react to our problems depends on us. Buddhism teaches that we are each responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness. Our vitality - the amount of energy or "life-force" we have - is in fact the single most important factor in determining whether or not we are happy.

True happiness is to be found within, in the state of our hearts. It is subject and varies from person to person. It does not exist on the far side of some distant mountains. It is within you, yourself. However much you try, you can never run away Fro. Yourself. And if you are weak, suffering will follow you wherever you go. You will neVer find happiness if you don't challenge weaknesses sets and change yourself.

Happiness is to be found in the dynamism and energy of your own life as you struggle to overcome one obstacle after another. This is why I believe that a person who is active and free from fear is truly happy.

The challenges we face in life can be compared to a tall mountain, rising before a mountain climber. For some who has not trained properly, whose muscles and reflexes are weak and slow, every inch of the climb will be filled with terror and pain. The exact same climb, however, will be a thrilling journey for someone who's prepared, whose legs and arms have been strengthened by constant training. With each step forward and up, beautiful new views will come into sight."

I believe this beautiful thought surmises the chapter about being happy first.

N. Cardoso

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Being Happy First - Prepare yourself for a Healthy and Wholesome Relationship. - Part I

"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold, the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul." - Democritus (460?-370? BC)

Democritus knew that to be true many years before Christ. Many things have changed since, but his knowledge about happiness is still as simples and true as it was then.

In order to be happy, the first step to be learned is to be happy with ourselves. Happiness comes from within. It does take some exercising to get used to it and learn how to tap into this inner potential.

Learning the secret of being happy, independently of another person, or any exterior influence possessions such as: money, power, possessions, social acceptance, professional environment, or any other resources is an important step on creating a healthy relationship with ourselves and, consequently, with others.

Once we have learned that our happiness must be attained within ourselves first, it will be easier to understand that it can only be enhanced by others. The knowledge that our happiness is ours, regardless of others, gives us a type of freedom that we can't fathom in our wildest dreams. It makes us wings to fly high and dare  to love without being afraid of loosing. If our heart is broken throughout the process it is less painful since we know that, even thought we may now be sad for the loss, we  have the understanding that they are not the key holders of our happiness, we, ourselves, are.

This knowledge makes us aware that, no matter what happens, and how long we will, temporarily be sad for the loss, it is just up tours to stand up and move on, since the source of our own happiness is within ourselves.

No, you are right, it is not an easy process, specially when we have been brain washed to believe that we would only be happy when we finish school, get a college degree, get married, have someone to love us, are accepted by our peers, have a beautiful house, a decent bank account and a job at the top....hum.....so what happens if all this doesn't happens? What if not everyone is meant to be or stay married, or to live in a beautiful house, or have a big bank account, a fancy car or occupy the few top jobs?? What then??? Does that means that the rest of us are doomed to be unhappy? There will be no rest for the wicked?

Why are we not taught that, regardless of what life throws at you, your attitude, self-respect, self-love and acceptance is what gives you the power and strength to move forward. Why were we not taught that money, house, positions, fame and power are not the only synonym of happiness?

When we are finally able to re-program ourselves to understand that we must first be happy alone, learn to be happy with the much or little we have is the only way to truly be happy with the rest of the world. When we learn to be happy alone, then it is time to keep our eyes and heart open to accept the people that will come into our lives to enhance it.

So what is Happiness?

Regardless of our culture, skin color, religion or beliefs we all look for the same thing HAPPINESS. So what is that makes us happy?

While researching about happiness I found an essay written by Buddhist Philosopher Daisaku Ikeda that talks about it:

"What is the purpose of life? It is to become happy. Whatever country or society people live in, they all have the same deep desire; to become happy.

Yet, there are few ideals as difficult to grasp as that of happiness. In our daily life we constantly experience happiness and unhappiness, but we are still quite ignorant as to what happiness really is.

A young friend of mine once spent a long time trying to work out what happiness was, particularly for women. When she first thought about happiness she saw it as a matter of becoming financially secure and getting married. (The view in Japanese society then was that happiness for a woman was only to be found in marriage) But looking at friends who were married, she realized that  marriage didn't necessarily guarantee happiness?

She saw couples who had been passionately in love suffering from discord soon after their wedding. She saw women who had married man with money or status but who fought constantly with their husbands.

Gradually she realized that the secret to happiness lay in building a strong inner self that no trial or hardship could ruin. She saw that happiness for anyone - man or woman - does not come simply from having a formal education, from wealth or from marriage. It begins with having the strength to confront and conquer one's own weaknesses. Only then does it become possible to lead a truly happy life and enjoy a successful marriage.

She finally told me, "Now I can say with confidence that happiness doesn't exist in the past or in the future. It only exists within out state of life right now, here in the present, as we face the challenges of daily life."

You know best if you are feeling joy or struggling with suffering. These things are not know to other people. Even a man who has great wealth, social recognition and many awards may still be shadowed by indescribable suffering deep in his heart. On the other hand, an elderly woman who isn't fortunate financially, leading a simple life alone, may feel the sun of joy and happiness rising in her heart each day.

Happiness is not life without problems, but rather the strength to overcome the problems that come our way. The is no such a thing as problem-free life; difficulties are unavoidable. But how we experience and react to our problems depends on us. Buddhism teaches that we are each responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness. Our vitality - the amount of energy or "life-force" we have - is in fact the single most important factor in determining whether or not we are happy.

True happiness is to be found within, in the state of our hearts. It is subject and varies from person to person. It does not exist on the far side of some distant mountains. It is within you, yourself. However much you try, you can never run away Fro. Yourself. And if you are weak, suffering will follow you wherever you go. You will neVer find happiness if you don't challenge weaknesses sets and change yourself.

Happiness is to be found in the dynamism and energy of your own life as you struggle to overcome one obstacle after another. This is why I believe that a person who is active and free from fear is truly happy.

The challenges we face in life can be compared to a tall mountain, rising before a mountain climber. For some who has not trained properly, whose muscles and reflexes are weak and slow, every inch of the climb will be filled with terror and pain. The exact same climb, however, will be a thrilling journey for someone who's prepared, whose legs and arms have been strengthened by constant training. With each step forward and up, beautiful new views will come into sight."

I believe this beautiful thought surmises the chapter about being happy first.

N. Cardoso